Horrible dreams. Horrible visions. Horrible thoughts. Can't sleep. Need to write or have some form of expression about what happened today. Possibly the worst day of my entire life.
Today I lost my hero, my dad, in a motorcycle accident at the point of the mountain. So many thoughts racing through my head. The what could have beens, the memories of what had been, the horrific scenes of the day, crying so much your whole face and head hurt. Considering ice packs for the eyes and face. The outpouring of love to my family and Mom. Thoughts of hard decisions that lie ahead in the next few days and months to come. Sounds and smells of Dad. Everywhere I turn, evidence of him. Wishing you were somehow here again. Wishing you were somehow near.
You were once my one companion
You were all that mattered
You were once a friend and father
Then my world was shattered
Wishing you were somehow here again
Wishing you were somehow near
Sometimes it seemed if I just dreamed
Somehow you would be here
Wishing I could hear your voice again
Knowing that I never would
Dreaming of you won't help me to do
All that you dreamed I could
Passing bells and sculpted angels
Cold and monumental seem, for you the wrong companions
You were warm and gentle
Too many years fighting back tears
Why can't the past just die?
Wishing you were somehow here again
Knowing we must say, "Goodbye"
Try to forgive, teach me to live
Give me the strength to try
No more memories, no more silent tears
No more gazing across the wasted years
Help me say, "Goodbye"
Help me say, "Goodbye"
Heartbroken.
My day started like any other. Wake up as husband got ready and went to work. Go back to bed until children wake up. Buddy woke up a little after eight. He brought marshmallows to my bed to have for breakfast. Snacked on a few. Decided to get up and do a real breakfast. Going to the bathroom, cell phone rings, "Mommy, mommy your phone." "I know Buddy. I will get it in a minute." Mom called, kind of early, but not unusual. Call Mom back. Scary news. Dad's been in a motorcycle accident. Has been taken to IMC. Will you meet me there? I have taken care of Grandma. I don't have a cell phone. Traffic on I-15 is bad. Will you meet me at the ER? Call your sisters.
Hang up phone. Press and hold 2. Yell at husband to come home immediately. Get Buddy dressed and breakfast. Try to reach sisters. No answer. Text 911. No response. Shower. Try to reach sisters again. No answer. Call R. No answer. J calls back finally. Relay news. She is triple booked for the day. Heading to Moab tomorrow. Trying to decide if it is worth it to drive to the hospital and cancel appointments. We talk and decided for her to keep her day as normal. Hoping that when I arrived and could give more information, she could then decide if it was worth coming down to the hospital. (In the back of my mind I was hoping it would be like my dad's roll-over accident ten years earlier, although serious, not life threatening.)
Husband calls to ask what to do with the boys. His mom is willing to take the kids. Will meet us at the hospital. He is almost home. C calls. Relay information to her. She was already at work. Dropping everything and is rushing to the hospital. Accident is being reported on the news. Fatality reported.
Husband arrives. Wake Smiler from dead of sleep. Finish getting ready. Leave House. Race to the hospital. Blow through metering lights on 72nd South on-ramp. Drive 95 MPH. Mother-in-law calls. Is at the hospital with my mom. They have taken them to a room (my heart sank. What would be the purpose of a private room vs. waiting in triage? News so bad that they don't tell it to you in front of everyone.) C calls again. Confirmation of correct hospital. We arrive. Head inside. Escorted to private waiting room. The room is extremely hot. Give kids snacks. Wait for C to arrive. Call Uncle E to tell him what is going on and to get Grandpa O's cell number. Grandpa not picking up at home. Hear horrible response from Uncle E to the news. Retrieve's number. Call Grandpa O. Waiting for doctor to come in.
Woman doctor enters very hot room. Talked about when my dad had arrived at the hospital with the paramedics. She was the emergency room doctor assigned to my dad. What life-saving procedures were performed. Then the horrible news that starts with, "I am sorry." That is all I heard. I completely broke down. Everyone in the room was crying. Buddy and Smiler looking at me in concern. "What's wrong mommy?" Buddy gives me a hug.
Call J. Horrible crying on both ends of the phone. She is on her way. Will take Redwood as I-15 is bad from the accident my dad was in. Second phone call, Uncle E. Again another horrible noise of sorrow coming from the other end of the line. Can't erase the sound from my thoughts/memory. Call Grandpa.
Woman doctor and social services worker escort us back to see Dad. Buddy and Smiler remain with Grandma H. Approaching trauma room 4. Horrible sight! I can't seem to enter the room. Dad lying on the gurney, intubated, not moving. Fresh wave of despair.
Find Dad's hand. (Even to this day, I always held my dad's hand. It always reminded me of when I was little. I always loved holding my dad's hand.) Bruises from where his watch had been. Can't remove wedding band. Fingers too swollen. Box of tissues. Lots of kisses and hugs. Dad still warm, soft, like he was sleeping (without the snoring.) He looks really good. Hardly any bruises. He had been wearing all his protective gear. The ER doctor said he most likely died from chest contusions. His head was perfect.
More phone calls going out and coming in. Still waiting for J to arrive. Fox 13 news at 11:00 am releases my dad's information/name to the public. More phone calls coming in from relatives and friends. More crying. UHP come in; give us preliminary report of the accident. Need to take blood draw as standard procedure to make sure Dad wasn't under the influence of anything that would have impaired his driving. J arrives. More tears and fresh wave of sorrow.
Spend a little more time with Dad. Say some temporary goodbyes. Go to Mom and Dad's house. Dad is taken to the morgue, awaiting donor extraction procedures.
Assigned inspector for the UHP to my dad's accident arrives at the house bringing the initial police reports from the others involved in the accident. He was very sweet and empathetic. Gave us his initial findings as to what happened. Was very kind. Went and retrieved my dad's pants from off the freeway. He told us the following (a little is ad-libbed in from what we already knew, what doctors had reported to us and other police officers, and comment posts on KSL.)
My dad left for work a little before 7:30 AM this morning. He was going to 90th South. He got on I-15 heading north from the Highland/Alpine on-ramp. The first two lanes were going freeway speeds. My dad accelerated on the on-ramp to merge in going freeway speeds. He was working his way over to the HOV lane. The right two lanes were going slower. The officer guessed that my dad turned his head to check his blind spot before moving into the HOV lane and when he had turned it back, the fast lane was coming to a screeching halt. My dad didn't have enough time to react or stop and rear-ended and SUV (GMC Yukon). This sent my dad sailing off the bike. He hit the freeway (I think this was the impact the doctor was telling us about that caused his chest contusions.) Cars braked and swerved to avoid running over my dad. One 70 year old lady that was in direct path set to hit him, pulled some impressive NASCAR maneuvers (to quote the UHP) to avoid hitting him and went off the side of the freeway, down a steep embankment and crashed. She ended up having some neck injuries. She also happened to be a lady from my parents Stake.
People pulled over to offer assistance to my dad until paramedics could arrive.
1954 ~ 2012
